the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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