I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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