Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
