walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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