Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
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My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
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The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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