i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
