I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
