her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
