It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Randomize
