dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
