Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Randomize
