I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
