i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
My ass is underappreciated
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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