Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
