eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
They took my balls.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
