i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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