I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
