I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
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