My sheets look like a crime scene.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
