census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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