omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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