Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
