you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Randomize
