Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
