The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
