You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
