she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
