my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
