1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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