my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
