I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
