If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
