You kept calling me your small dog last night.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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