This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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