Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
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