I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
