bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
