Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
