So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
