He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
