The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
