ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
