I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
