tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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