If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
