Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Your shirt... Was in my pants
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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