I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Randomize
