Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
