I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
