so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
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once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
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We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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