I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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