don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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