yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Randomize
