I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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