Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize