My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
