My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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