happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
