If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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